What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic Violence is a system of power and control over an intimate partner. Domestic violence includes any and all forms of abuse: physical, sexual, and emotional. The motivation is always to control another person’s thoughts and behavior.
Domestic Violence Against an Adult Can Include:
Physical Abuse
- Pushing or shoving.
- Hitting or slapping.
- Strangling or restraining by force.
- Pulling hair.
- Punching, kicking.
- Twisting arms, tripping.
- Using a weapon, i.e. gun, knife, blunt object, lighted cigarette.
Sexual Abuse
- Forcing or coercing a sexual activity that is not wanted or consented to (rape, oral sex, anal sex).
- Forced prostitution.
- Repeated accusations of sexual activity with others, i.e. calling partner whore or slut.
Emotional Abuse
- Intimidation--putting the victim in fear by using looks, actions, gestures, loud voice, destroying property.
- Isolation--controlling what the victim does, who the victim sees and talks to, and where the victim goes.
- Putting the victim down, name calling, mind games.
- Economic abuse--trying to keep the victim from getting or keeping a job, making a partner ask or beg for money, taking money, controlling the checkbook and bank accounts.
- Threats--making threats to hurt the victim or the children, to take the children, and/or commit suicide.
- Using Children--making the victim feel guilty about the children, using the children to relay messages, using visitations as a way to further harass or abuse, labeling the victim as a bad or inadequate parent.
The Power and Control Wheel provides a visual to help explain the dynamics of a domestic violence situation. Compare that wheel to the
Equality Wheel, which assists in defining a non-violent relationship.
Three to four million women are beaten in their homes by husbands or partners each year. Current statistics indicate that 95% of all cases involve male abusers and female victims. (U.S. Department of Justice) Women and children are not the only victims of violence, but statistics indicate that more women than men are battered by their partners. Therefore we refer to the victim as “she” and the abuser as “he.”
How do victims of domestic violence feel?
- Fear – Fears for personal safety and the safety of the children are often overwhelming.
- Confusion – The victim may believe her partner when he promises to change or to stop abusing her. The victim may feel confused over the change in the partner’s behavior from day to day.
- Shame and Guilt – Victims are told that they deserve the abuse, and they try to change their behavior to stop the abuse. This makes victims feel progressively worse about themselves, because nothing they do stops the abuse. Victims may be ashamed about staying in the relationship. Each abusive incident progressively lowers a victim’s self-esteem and initiative to leave the situation.
- Minimization of the Abuse – The abuser constantly tells the victim that the abuse is deserved, or even that it did not occur at all. Victims begin to think they may be exaggerating and may begin to view the abuse as “normal.”
- Trapped, powerless – When all control is taken away, it takes all a victim’s energy merely to survive and protect the children. Leaving is seen as an unattainable goal.
Why do battered Women Stay?
The above question, “Why do battered women stay?” more accurately reflects society’s reality. Gender also plays a large role in the power imbalance that forces woman to stay in abusive relationships more often than men.
Asking why she stays is an important question to answer, but it is also important to examine society’s need to ask it. We ask this question because we have a need to place blame somewhere. It is easier to blame the victim of a crime than to hold the perpetrator accountable, especially in the complicated context of domestic violence.
However, society must get past this stumbling block, and begin to view victims of domestic violence consistently with compassion, and that means acceptance of their life choices and a conscious refusal to pass judgment. We also need to be mindful of the statistics, and be aware that leaving does not mean safety. A battered woman stays because of:
- Fear for her safety and the safety of her children. 75% of domestic assaults occur at the point of separation or divorce. (U.S. Department of Justice) A woman is murdered in this county by a stalking ex-husband or boyfriend every two hours. (de Becker, Public Radio interview, July 9, 1997) Leaving is the most potentially deadly time.
- Fear that her children will be taken from her. Batters threaten that they will take the children from the victim either legally or illegally if she dares to leave the relationship
- No transportation --A rural battered women often cannot leave her home because of lack of transportation. She may not have access to a vehicle, or a driver’s license. Even if she does have a vehicle, she may be reluctant to drive to appointments with service providers for fear the abuser will check mileage. In addition, many rural and remote residents live on gravel backroads, and road conditions are often poor. Maintenance and snow removal may be intermittent or completely lacking.
- Economic -- In rural areas, as in other areas, poverty is devastating. Poverty in rural areas is often harsher than professionals may realize because of the lack of available services and safety nets. Seasonal jobs mean unemployment during the off-season, with little chance of finding other employment. Rural areas have few, if any, job training programs.
- Nowhere to go in the short term – Rural battered women may not have access to a shelter, or the nearest one may be more than an hour away. Going to a shelter means uprooting children from school and extended family.
- No permanent housing -- For rural battered women, leaving a batterer means leaving the community because of a lack of permanent housing. Staying in the community often means living is sub-standard or unsafe housing.
- Security -- Many rural women have never lived anywhere else, and leaving the security of a family is a giant step into the unknown.
- Livelihood/Lifestyle -- Many battered women are business partners in the farming or ranching operation.
Children are begging to return -- It is difficult to ignore the pleas of children to return to their homes, even when a battered women knows that the situation is unsafe.
- No childcare -- Rural areas face a severe shortage of childcare. Mothers who work outside the home often have to piece together childcare arrangements that includes friends and relatives, or they must transport their children to another community where childcare is available. Mothers are often worried about the emotional and physical well-being of their young children. This is one more obstacle that rural battered women face.
- Religious reasons -- Churches are the social fabric of small towns and rural communities. Many rural women are deeply religious, and deeply opposed to breaking up the family.
- Extended Family -- Family plays a huge role in the lives of rural and remote people. Family provides comfort and security, and sometimes is one of the only social outlets. Homes, businesses, and farms are often intertwined among extended family members. Preserving the relationship is vital to the emotional and financial health of each individual. Divorce wreaks havoc on this intricate structure. Battered women are often pressured to stay in abusive relationships for the sake of the family.
- Generational Effects of Domestic Violence -- Isolation can be pronounced in rural communities, and the family is often a closed unit. If a battered woman grew up witnessing
